AngMoh

5 going on 6 years since I have set foot in this country.

And I deeply wonder what it takes to make myself click with all the angmohs, because I still DON'T.

When I told my father that I wanted to come here to study, he told me that it is honestly not as good as I think it would be. He cautioned me about the culture differences, the difficulties in making friends and also that I will realise that no place is better than home.

At that point I scoffed and laughed off the idea.

Me? Not making friends? Excuse me?

I know lah, I am big headed. But I did not think I lacked much in the social skills department that I would be unable to actually make friends. I came all ready to know my entire class and university, if I can handle it.

Silly 19 year old me.

Don't get me wrong.

University was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I made fantastic friends and had an incredible time.
But mostly with my people.
Malaysians/Singaporeans/Hong Kongers. Heck. Asians.

The AngMoh world is impenetrable.

Still, it did not affect me so as I had 3 lovely flatmates that I knew I could always fall back on and plenty of different cliques of other friends that I loved dearly and melded so well with. People sometimes look (down, perhaps?) at me and say that I am too sociable (and I do strongly believe that some people actually dislike me for it, although they have not said it to me).

But really, I don't care.

I know who are friends who will be there forever and who would not be.

So although 5 years in medical school where 90% of the population is AngMoh, I am terribly sorry to say that I have only made ONE AngMoh friend that I will truly keep in contact with until perhaps the end of my days.

The others are all just acquaintances.

5 years.
1825 days.
43800 hours.

Ok, ok. I can go to seconds but we get the point.

And I still fail in my most prided department that is social skills.

Mark my words, at my prime time in Edinburgh, I would know almost all Malaysian students alive in this city, and certainly close to 100% of all Malaysian medical students from first to fifth year.
And they would know who I am too. (Aiyah, let me show off a bit can)

Can anyone top me? I doubt it. (I said know ar, not like or hang out with)

So when I graduated, I thought, well you know what, let's move somewhere else and preserve Edinburgh as the best of my student days.

Let's move closer to London. (If not London then what's the point of moving anywhere else?)

So apply I did, got I did and here I am now sitting in my FY1 accommodation writing this blog entry.

5 months ago, when I left the safety and familiarity of my home in KL to face my new workplace and workforce, I was scared out of my face.

Yes. I was.

I hate uncertainty and also I knew that my non existent training of 5 years talking to AngMoh has never served my purpose of actually penetrating their social group.
So I arrive frightened and absolutely lonely for the first 1 month.

Did not help that I was placed in a flat with a boy whom is akin talking to the wall. ( I sincerely hope he never reads my blog)

This blog entry is really my grievances in my failure to connect with my flatmate.
You know you get flatmates that is plain outright weird or at worst so annoying that all you want to do is really to keep a distance and pray that the year goes by quickly enough so that you can fast fast shift out.

No, X is not like that. He is a great person (so far I think la) and has the potential, repeat - potential to be a really good person to talk to and laugh with.
Only it had never happened.

I immensely dislike the constant work my brain has to go through to think of topics of conversation when I am alone with him.
I immensely dislike the awkward silence that hangs in the air when my brain is doing that bit of work.
I especially immensely dislike the moments of do-not-know-how-to-answer-to his replies or, worse.. non replies(!!) to my bits and bobs of information that my brain thinks up so I can fast fast fill in these awkward gaps of silences.

So a conversation will go like this:

Me: 'Eh, you know that day Y told me that he was outside A&E and the ambulance crew tipped a poor lady from the stretcher onto the snow!'

X: no reply

Me: er... shit. Did he hear or not hear or hear but not understand or....

In a normal person, they would go, 'Oh, CRAP. REALLY??!?!? what happened to her then????'
And that would lead into a happy discussion of how snow affects patient co morbidity or shit like that.

But no.
That Did Not Tooting Happen.

So no choice, fast, fast think of next sentence.

Me: 'So right. Y did not know what to do. Whether to help or not.'

X: still no reply

At this point, a normal person would perhaps give up and resort to silence, or say, 'Eh babi, u hear me anot?'

But obviously neither was an option to me because read : I HATE AWKWARD STRETCHES OF SILENCE and needed to say something else.

Me: 'Today got teaching ar?'

X: 'I heard no more'

Phew. Finally got an answer.

Anddddddddddddddd ...................... the silence continues.

You know. Sometimes I give up. I ask or throw about a few random sentences to initiate a conversation but that never works with X. He either completely not answer, or answer in short, end of conversation replies/answers and the weirdest part is when he like only answers me 1 minute after I ask/say something.

E.g.

Me: 'What do you think of my daily wear. (cos I wear jeans to work. Eh, anaesthetics, wear scrubs everyday) It is hardly professional right?'

Silence for 1 minute at to which I feel, erh..... ok, I better start to think of something else to say....

X: 'Yeah.'

This is the point I get confused. What's with the long wait before he answers? Either he didn't understand my accent first time and had to wait for his brain to connect all bits of it or he was thinking of the right answer to my question, or he just doesn't really give a shit.

My accent I think.

I dono.

Me: 'How is working with Z????' - in a very obvious I got something to say about her/him voice.

X: 'It's alright.' - in a very obvious full stop voice

Me: '...'

But then, there are times when conversation is good and funny and really is what I do with Alvin, Kai Lin and Phey Ming in the past.

And not only X, I get really nervous if it is in a group of AngMohs because I cannot always keep up to the flow of chat. And I don't deal very well with silence either.

So as a summary of what I discovered in my almost 6 years of British exposure:

1. AngMohs can TALK OVER ONE ANOTHER. No. Like literally impossible to get a word in. And it's so loud and animated that I cannot, for the life of me, interject a thought process of my own at any one time because it is TOO LOUD AND TOO FAST. My mommy has always told me I speak too fast when I was growing up. If I am fast, then these people are Michael Schumacher.

2. AngMohs like talking about themselves, only, themselves. Especially girls. So far, I believe I have done well with AngMoh girls compared to boys because they like to talk about themselves and all I have to do is agree with whatever they say or throw in a few well placed, I see/I agree/Totally/Indeed/Oh Really?? etc.. the list goes on. Short sentences like that I can deal with. Boys don't really talk about themselves but always talk about... leading us to no.3....

3. Sex. WHY IS IT THAT SEX IS SO IMPORTANT?? I don't know what to say about it when it is being discussed because firstly they use a different language to me. E.g. well hung = big balls. and alot more other terms that I have totally no idea about. You know, it's difficult enough as it is for me to strain to understand their accent - throw in unfamiliar words and everything becomes a load of gibberish.
Not the way forward to join a conversation.

4. F this F that.

5. Everything, every time and every meal and literally every excuse.... involves alcohol. Come back - stress! Answer: don't talk to me, I need wine.

5. My own lack of knowledge perhaps regarding British or even American culture/music scenes/movies/children shows... whatever. That is the number 1 killer in a conversation. E.g.

X: 'Did you know that there is a competition between Joe McElderry's The Climb and Rage Against the Machine's Killing In The Name for Christmas No. 1?'

Me: 'WHAT??' Blank stare.

X: no reply.

Silence continues.

Fail max.

Joe McElderry X Factor champ I know la. Rage Against the siapa? Killing apa?!

Babi. Only when I go and YouTube it then I know.

But you know, I was thinking what's the limitations and the crack code to get into easy conversation with an AngMoh.
And I realise that unless I actively read everything online and listen to all music will I then only have just scratched the surface.
So give up Jay Chou and Lee Hom to swap with Artic Monkeys and Coldplay?
-_-

Why is it that when I went to New York and met this whole bunch of Malaysians, we clicked immediately? WHOLE BUNCH, NOTE.
Not ONE.

But it takes me a whole 5 years to make one GOOD AngMoh friend up in Edinburgh.
Why? Because I do better with my own people.

I am well disappointed that I failed to hack into the social system of the British population.
WELL INDEED.

I think that in 8 months time, I would leave my life here and my flatmate knowing that he was just another acquaintance of mine once upon my lifetime.

And that just makes me rather sad.

But having said that, if I have to put in so much effort to talk to someone I see everyday, then maybe it is about time to give up and retreat back to the comforts of my own day dreaming and happy thoughts.